...or is it cheves? I think not. It looks funny to me.

J had a recipe for healthy onion rings. He's wanted to make them for weeks now. He finally did last night. I wasn't much support.
Why?

When I think of where these.....
....moments can go, it concerns me.

PS: I just learned how letting someone live with their action(s) is a good thing.

I've gotten a couple call backs and an interview on Wednesday. Possible lunch date with J.

My life seems so dull. I don't know anything interesting to say about my life. It's a slight comfort that I know there are interesting things in my life.

I find it highly interesting that everything is always said exactly as it should be in the movies. If I had Ed Norton writing my lines, maybe I wouldn't have gotten anything wrong.

I might have even been cooler than I thought I could be.

Is that really one word or two? I'm not sure I know.

I've decided to spend more time in DE because I haven't seemed to make too many steps to get back on track while in PA. Truthfully, I haven 't given NJ a real chance.

I'm not sure where to go in life right now. It's scary.

haven't been feeling very "hot" lately. a condom broke a couple sundays ago and although i don't feel like that is "it", i haven't been sexually hot since, we spend about 90% of our time together...which might be too much. i left first thing in the morning when he went to work.

where is my passion for the man who's soft gentle eyes melt me completely...i love staring him. i think he is just absolutely beautiful.

i'm completely attracted to him, but seem to have trouble going through the actual sexual piece of it. or getting up to it. i hope it doesn't affect my relationship much.

he is still making it about him and invalidating my feelings. it's about how i'm making him suffer. when someone has the power and tries to force you to do something that embarrasses the hell out of you and wont budge because you wont do it their way...which causes you physical pain and discomfort. gee, putting it that way makes me pissed.

i thought i had this sensitive man who got me. as i remain silent, with everything he's says, i'm realizing how wrong i was.

i think i'm going to start gathering my things from his place.

i am spending the night at home and i think it is much needed. i've been back over a week and haven't spent many nights in this bed. i'm not sure that was a good thing. but, i'm happy to be sleeping here tonight.

my day didn't have a good start to it. but maybe the end will be better.

got contacted by an old friend. i could use a friend right about now.

i need time away to analyze things and think clearly. i haven't had many moments alone to catch my breath and just think. unfortunately, this is precisely what i've needed.

i'm going to see hancock tomorrow. i think i've missed out on way too many movies lately.

i'm about to leave the place i've been most unhappy...and yet, i've actually begun thinking about taking my own life.
such an option has not occurred to me in quite a while.
i've found love and passion.
i'm closing a door to this chapter of life.
yet, i'm not sure i have the chutzpah to get out of here.
guilt used to make me not even think of such a thing.
this week i said many good-byes.

I have been depressed for most of my life and it would seem now matter how much i'm loved

not talking to him sucked. and i couldn't, for the life of me, figure out what not talking would solve. i love this man and it's different than it has ever been. i can't be so nonchalant about the status of our relationship. but i wonder why i try to be.

i don't know. i passionately care for him.

I overslept...arrived at work 1.5 hours late...am drinking a Red Bull...and wearing a beautiful pair of earring Alyssa gave me. I haven't looked at my reflection yet, but I've been giving my kids hugs and kisses ALL day and it feels amazing!

I'm having an amazing day,

I'm missing him...but I feel I need to. Our heads...worlds...needs...perceptions, don't seem to line up.

He will continue to get MAJOR COOL POINTS for supporting Obama, though.

i love him!
...passionately.

i remember REALLY loving Candyland LOOOOOONG after i was too old to play...now, it's UNO

cheese should only go on white things and NOT purple ones...

i want to be able to say that it was ct, but in actuality, it isn't....

honestly, i feel like i worked so hard just to make it to this day, changing something might not bring me to the now.

i just had this great idea about clothing and fashion.

i thought about being a baby and what clothes mean to you at that point. i came to the realization that it has something to do with being warm which allows you to make that connection to beign back in the womb....yet nothing, i imagine could ever be like that again.

how less stressful would dressing be if our main thought was about being warm and comfortable versus color patterns and names on labels?

Betty's "It Girl"

J and me had an up and down weekend. The down came at the expense of finally working some shit out that has loomed over us for quite a while now.

I dunno,m my first response is to still just walk away when things get a bit murky. His isn't. Every little thing in my mind means that it's over and done with and we should just count our losses and move on. Things don't translate like that in his mind. I do appreciate that, I know and I'm learning from it.

A mini breakthrough is what I had. After him raising his voice in frustration, I

I realized I was putting blame on someone else for what was in my head. It seems like after that, I was extremely good to go. Me and J had an amazing time.

Actually, BEING in a healthy relationship is teaching me a lot.

Me and J had a fantastic weekend, like we usually do. It seems like I'm starting to let go of the thought that he's going to leave any time now and enjoy that he's actually here.

When we first met and decided we dug each other, there was a phrase of encouragement that was meant for us: If you show up, you will get what you need. I keep forgetting that. I was reminded again this weekend.

I'm actually in a loving relationship.

We are going to see a Star Wars exhibit next weekend. Looking forward to it  

J is still asleep. I was up at 6 when I had a hankering to urinate. I just got this idea of the fact that I have found an amazing man. He is making a sister all kinds of in-love and stuff and I really like it.

Of course, I've already started my day with a couple drinks. I remember not wanting to do that.

My guy is heading north for the weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing him and "being" with him. As of yesterday, it's been two months. It has been surprisingly going well. My complaints are non-existent. Being in love seems to really be working for me.

Got some great news/reality this morning. I thought my year ended on Monday....it doesn't....it ends on Friday. That means, I can go home this weekend and take some things with me I might want during the summer that wont fit into BabyGirl in one trip. So, one thing I need to figure out is what can go for a week that I wont need or miss. The jury's still out.

It's a wonder how happy I am this evening after drinking quite a bit. In my quest to live a healthier lifestyle, I keep hearing how bad alcohol is. It's up there with soda and bagels and cream cheese. That is my vice right now.

Big family outing night tomorrow with the school. I might get my bike out. I haven't taken it out for over a year. Hopefully it still works.

The word "reveal", school performances and a white man with dark brown curly hair and the desire to care for me...though we seemed a bit close...I spent the night in his home in the guest bedroom...alone and I was comfortable. It was a nice series of dreams.

I have a day of report cards ahead.

Got a Thandie email...hmm

Got a invitation from another ex (we haven't connected since last summer) who wants me to join a social site so he can get free gifts...how interesting. I didn't join.

Ok, there is NO WAY I'm going to buy cigarettes in CT. I think that is quite a wonderful thin for my breathing system. Yay for me.

Oh, and the fact that both of my grandfathers died of cancer after smoking so MANY years...I should say good-bye after smoking an entire carton after about 6 months....it's a blessing I didn't create some kind of....eww. addiction. yay.

Ewww. ticks.

Depression is so ugly and paralyzing. I took the day off. It was a GREAT decision. Shockingly, I never felt guilty.,..that is rare for me. I needed the day off. My question is whether I'm ready to go back.  think I am. I have a bit of end of the year testing to get through. That will keep me busy for now.

2. Drive Me Crazy
1. 90210 - Season 2 :Discs  1 & 2

I just continue to dislike white people more and more and it is their own actions.

I do.
Grandpop George and Mabel.....Pop-pop Wallace....and the one living....Mom-mom Mary...
For the record...she's only ever been "Mommom".

Mommom is my mom's mum. I knew my Mum's parents best. The fact that I've known them best allowed me to know them....

They all created me unknowilingly.

My last couple of weekends have been quite merry and filled with fun love-making. Two weekends. I guess that has gone away now. As it usually does with him. I did have fun and, I think or know, that is all it can be. The little princess in me still hopes for more. The little princess in me is the one who has usually been disappointed the most.

Yeah, my NO CIGS OR ALCOHOL plan lasted about a week....What now?

I got through the first night. This is the first morning in a while that I didn't wake up with some remnants of alcohol in my system. Feels kinda strange. I'm going to try to get through 30 days without purchasing alcohol in retail form. I'm going to try. that is all.

Do my best, right?

I just took a brief tour of my growing. I went by the catholic school I got kicked out of in 8th grade and the high school I graduated from and the house I lived in through most of Jr. High and High.

I think I'll check out the Art Museum tomorrow. Pretty low key day all-in-all.

That actually is quite strange. I detox here usually. But, the weekend, or rather Saturday night, proved to be a huge lesson.

I feel like I've always known that my step-mother (who I admire greatly) only deals with me to keep my dad happy. This was proven on Saturday night. So now, there's this person who clearly doesn't want to know me and has made it clear that I'm in the picture because my Dad is. AND she holds all the power and money. It looks like I need to stay away from NJ for awhile. This is quite a disappointment.  In some way, my heart got broken again this weekend.

What I'm sensing, is if you're paper thin, like I am, hurt is constant.

I have a friend....at least someone who I need to believe is a friend at this point....he's there because he likes sex and I'm not all that particular about who sleep with. Not that I sleep with anything that moves, but thinking back to how long ago I met this guy, given my friendships, he might be more important to me than I ever expected. He is really the only friend I have here

I'm here. Arrived in NJ yesterday afternoon. Drove to Philly for the first time. I never actually showed up to the event I was looking for. But history was made this weekend. Excited about that.

Apparently I'm in a Subway commercial. I haven't seen the commercial yet, but three people, one being my father, have asked me if I had been in a commercial recently. Interesting. I hope I get to see it soon.

Your DAD

My father is one of the realest people I know. My mother is the other. A few years ago, my father got very sick. I'd gone out to the mid-west to study. I wasn't there, which isn't a big deal. Dad and me aren't big people who need to have a bunch of people toting on us to feel one way or the other.

Since then, he's told me of some of his trials at that time. Being washed naked by his wife's, my step mother's, family members, how humbled it made him. All that.

A phrase like "all that" might suggest that I see it as no big deal. I don't. In his 50's a strong black man like my father, got humbled because of circumstances due to his health. That is NOT a small thing. I think that is VERY important to me.

My dad has signed his emails and voicemail messages that way. It's special.

Came back to these parts after spending two days being sick to my stomach about the idea. I guess when going into work gives you panic attacks and nausea, that's a real good ideal about something. Each day, I lay my head down, I know I'm done. I keep thinking I will die. Living seems so completely unrealistic. That did not happened until my latest relocation.

But what do I do? I feel like I barely have a day left in me, how do I get through two and a half months? Death some how feels like mercy.

I'm so alone and so unhappy.

How pathetic.

Ok, I had this aha moment yesterday, or the day before. When I lighten my hair, it seems, for the most part, my mood increases. So, I'm away for the weekend and lightening my hair.

The big challenge right now is knowing when to rinse. Do I want to go blonde, or just more of a copper/light brown? I don't know. The latter is growing on me. Since that is where I am right now.

If I go brighter....will I feel brighter? I could use some bright-ness.

Oh my....I feel it happening....IT'S HAPPENING! ;)

I remember how she smelled of perfume and office when she would come home.

I am and I'm good at it. When I realized, hmmm.....

I was about to post something, but it has complete evaded me. I'm sure it will be back in a few minutes.

I like that other people's opinions still hold very little weight over me.

I found an on-line community that suits my interest. I'm quite glad about that. It has proven to be fun.

As for Netflix, I have the second season of 24, Dark Shadows and Thundercats (ho!) at home. I'm presently watching Dark Shadows. It's become such a head trip. I like it somehow.

Hmmm, guess I remembered.

I used to be able to get great smelling incense from them at a great price, but now, they've stopped selling them and I have to settle for candles. Boo-friggin'-hoo!

Been watching 24 lately and have come to realize I'm falling for Jack Bauer. *sighs* Such is life.

My tire issues are become an issue. I took off on Monday. I need something to happen on Monday. Grr. So cute guy at the auto shop totally is totally scamming, but they seem to have the only tires in stock that I need. Ah, being played is just SO MUCH fun.

Took BG in today to be looked at. To get everything fixed, it's going to run me close to a grand. Yeah, that hasn't hit me yet. The sevice guy was kinda hot. Not at all what I expected. Then I remember the lady who sold me the car and she was young and hot too. I wonder, do they go out looking for young hot people? If so, they definitely succeed.

I'm sitting here watching 24. Enjoy the 2nd season.  I'm replaying a scene over and over again. Probably up to the 7th time perhaps.

It is the hour (episode) mentioned below.....

*37:20 - 40:55*

I was feeling beyond crappy today. Call it my depression, job, pressure, etc....but seeing this father/son dynamic and seeing it from the child's point of view has been therapy.

Watching it again....who knew a father not being there forcing himself into his son's life, in an unconventional way to make things right, save his kid's life, to let him know he's dying, could have been just what I needed tonight.

Somehow....I'm up lifted and encouraged.

...that even in this day and time. When a marriage goes bad, most of the time, the woman is blamed...

...she couldn't keep her husband happy -- blah blah blah