Ten Twenty-One

5 Stages of Grief

2008-08-21T12:11:03Z

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

....anger again

Acceptance

Sous Chefs

2008-08-21T12:03:14Z

...or is it cheves? I think not. It looks funny to me.

J had a recipe for healthy onion rings. He's wanted to make them for weeks now. He finally did last night. I wasn't much support.
Why?

When I think of where these.....
....moments can go, it concerns me.

PS: I just learned how letting someone live with their action(s) is a good thing.

Just Another One

2008-08-05T13:56:29Z

I've gotten a couple call backs and an interview on Wednesday. Possible lunch date with J.

My life seems so dull. I don't know anything interesting to say about my life. It's a slight comfort that I know there are interesting things in my life.

...In the Movies

2008-07-29T02:16:17Z

I find it highly interesting that everything is always said exactly as it should be in the movies. If I had Ed Norton writing my lines, maybe I wouldn't have gotten anything wrong.

I might have even been cooler than I thought I could be.

Homeward Bound?

2008-07-20T11:55:03Z

Is that really one word or two? I'm not sure I know.

I've decided to spend more time in DE because I haven't seemed to make too many steps to get back on track while in PA. Truthfully, I haven 't given NJ a real chance.

I'm not sure where to go in life right now. It's scary.

A Decreased Decline

2008-07-16T21:39:26Z

haven't been feeling very "hot" lately. a condom broke a couple sundays ago and although i don't feel like that is "it", i haven't been sexually hot since, we spend about 90% of our time together...which might be too much. i left first thing in the morning when he went to work.

where is my passion for the man who's soft gentle eyes melt me completely...i love staring him. i think he is just absolutely beautiful.

i'm completely attracted to him, but seem to have trouble going through the actual sexual piece of it. or getting up to it. i hope it doesn't affect my relationship much.

Sum of Things

2008-07-02T11:12:48Z

he is still making it about him and invalidating my feelings. it's about how i'm making him suffer. when someone has the power and tries to force you to do something that embarrasses the hell out of you and wont budge because you wont do it their way...which causes you physical pain and discomfort. gee, putting it that way makes me pissed.

i thought i had this sensitive man who got me. as i remain silent, with everything he's says, i'm realizing how wrong i was.

i think i'm going to start gathering my things from his place.

Home Feels Good

2008-07-02T00:31:03Z

i am spending the night at home and i think it is much needed. i've been back over a week and haven't spent many nights in this bed. i'm not sure that was a good thing. but, i'm happy to be sleeping here tonight.

my day didn't have a good start to it. but maybe the end will be better.

got contacted by an old friend. i could use a friend right about now.

i need time away to analyze things and think clearly. i haven't had many moments alone to catch my breath and just think. unfortunately, this is precisely what i've needed.

i'm going to see hancock tomorrow. i think i've missed out on way too many movies lately.

Strange

2008-06-20T13:25:36Z

i'm about to leave the place i've been most unhappy...and yet, i've actually begun thinking about taking my own life.
such an option has not occurred to me in quite a while.
i've found love and passion.
i'm closing a door to this chapter of life.
yet, i'm not sure i have the chutzpah to get out of here.
guilt used to make me not even think of such a thing.
this week i said many good-byes.

I have been depressed for most of my life and it would seem now matter how much i'm loved

didn't have to get to day # 2

2008-06-13T15:45:26Z

not talking to him sucked. and i couldn't, for the life of me, figure out what not talking would solve. i love this man and it's different than it has ever been. i can't be so nonchalant about the status of our relationship. but i wonder why i try to be.

i don't know. i passionately care for him.

Day #1 Without Him...

2008-06-12T15:18:05Z

I overslept...arrived at work 1.5 hours late...am drinking a Red Bull...and wearing a beautiful pair of earring Alyssa gave me. I haven't looked at my reflection yet, but I've been giving my kids hugs and kisses ALL day and it feels amazing!

I'm having an amazing day,

I'm missing him...but I feel I need to. Our heads...worlds...needs...perceptions, don't seem to line up.

He will continue to get MAJOR COOL POINTS for supporting Obama, though.

i love him!
...passionately.

Writer's Block: Gaming From Young to Old

2008-06-12T15:05:22Z

What was your favorite game as a child? What's your favorite now?

View 501 Answers

i remember REALLY loving Candyland LOOOOOONG after i was too old to play...now, it's UNO

Writer's Block: Where the Cheese Goes

2008-06-08T06:28:17Z

What should cheese go on, and what should cheese NOT go on?

View 501 Answers

cheese should only go on white things and NOT purple ones...

Writer's Block: Fixing the past.

2008-06-02T02:40:49Z

If you could go back and fix your most regrettable decision, what would it be, and what would you do differently?

Or:

Pirates or Ninjas?

View 502 Answers

i want to be able to say that it was ct, but in actuality, it isn't....

honestly, i feel like i worked so hard just to make it to this day, changing something might not bring me to the now.

Fashion Icon?

2008-05-21T13:57:59Z

i just had this great idea about clothing and fashion.

i thought about being a baby and what clothes mean to you at that point. i came to the realization that it has something to do with being warm which allows you to make that connection to beign back in the womb....yet nothing, i imagine could ever be like that again.

how less stressful would dressing be if our main thought was about being warm and comfortable versus color patterns and names on labels?

Writer's Block: Your Theme

2008-05-20T23:37:45Z

If your daily life had a theme song, what would it be?

View 501 Answers

Betty's "It Girl"

Well, If You Gotta Have a Weekend!

2008-05-05T08:53:08Z

J and me had an up and down weekend. The down came at the expense of finally working some shit out that has loomed over us for quite a while now.

I dunno,m my first response is to still just walk away when things get a bit murky. His isn't. Every little thing in my mind means that it's over and done with and we should just count our losses and move on. Things don't translate like that in his mind. I do appreciate that, I know and I'm learning from it.

A mini breakthrough is what I had. After him raising his voice in frustration, I

I realized I was putting blame on someone else for what was in my head. It seems like after that, I was extremely good to go. Me and J had an amazing time.

Actually, BEING in a healthy relationship is teaching me a lot.

Great Weekend With My Boo

2008-04-28T02:25:54Z

Me and J had a fantastic weekend, like we usually do. It seems like I'm starting to let go of the thought that he's going to leave any time now and enjoy that he's actually here.

When we first met and decided we dug each other, there was a phrase of encouragement that was meant for us: If you show up, you will get what you need. I keep forgetting that. I was reminded again this weekend.

I'm actually in a loving relationship.

We are going to see a Star Wars exhibit next weekend. Looking forward to it

Amazing Boyfriend

2008-04-26T12:30:51Z

J is still asleep. I was up at 6 when I had a hankering to urinate. I just got this idea of the fact that I have found an amazing man. He is making a sister all kinds of in-love and stuff and I really like it.

Of course, I've already started my day with a couple drinks. I remember not wanting to do that.

So, the Thing with the "New" Guy

2008-04-25T23:48:02Z

...is he has this friend. One of his best. Whom I'm sure he had a crush on at some point....

He got angry....

Isn't that like sign #1???

I don't know.
He made me feel alone.
No one has made me feel that way since I was a kid.
I made sure no one would after a point.
I became good at that.
I did it by not allowing anyone to matter.

I know how to have a boyfriend with no pressure or anything.
I'm afraid to shut myself off.
Yet, things like last weekend won't really matter.

Once again, I'd reclaim my title as "cool black chic"...
Yet, what I want....more than anything else...is to be Danielle
'cause, in my opinion, she is fucking cool all by herself!

He wanted to listen to an audiobook than talk to me.
I guess the honeymoon phase is over.

Writer's Block: Happy Friday

2008-04-25T15:23:41Z

What are you most looking forward to this weekend?

View 501 Answers

My guy is heading north for the weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing him and "being" with him. As of yesterday, it's been two months. It has been surprisingly going well. My complaints are non-existent. Being in love seems to really be working for me.

Zoning Out

2008-04-24T10:35:12Z

Sitting here...already a bit to the side,
Talking to my boo.
In a blissful state...
loving how I feel right now, but not how I feel in the morning.

Last Taco Bell Visit for a While?

2007-07-07T22:14:46Z

I've probably just visited Taco Bell for the last time in a bit. I thought the sauce packets had funny "messages" on them...

The feeling is mutual.
Tah Dah!
At night the sporks pick on me,
Ahhh...we meet again.
Scratch & Sniff: Gotcha!
Thanks for rescuing me, Fire was getting on my nerves.

Well, well, well....

2007-06-19T02:48:04Z

Got some great news/reality this morning. I thought my year ended on Monday....it doesn't....it ends on Friday. That means, I can go home this weekend and take some things with me I might want during the summer that wont fit into BabyGirl in one trip. So, one thing I need to figure out is what can go for a week that I wont need or miss. The jury's still out.

It's a wonder how happy I am this evening after drinking quite a bit. In my quest to live a healthier lifestyle, I keep hearing how bad alcohol is. It's up there with soda and bagels and cream cheese. That is my vice right now.

Big family outing night tomorrow with the school. I might get my bike out. I haven't taken it out for over a year. Hopefully it still works.

Dream Themes/Scape

2007-06-16T10:07:20Z

The word "reveal", school performances and a white man with dark brown curly hair and the desire to care for me...though we seemed a bit close...I spent the night in his home in the guest bedroom...alone and I was comfortable. It was a nice series of dreams.

I have a day of report cards ahead.